An Everyday Mothers Musings

I have been severely down in the dumps the past two days because I feel and see that my eldest son is behaving in ways that I really, really dislike. As horrible as it sounds, I don't think painting a perfect picture does anyone any favours. Its like a house. It might look beautiful from the outset, but noone can ever really know what goes on inside except those who live there. I guess that is in part why material things don't interest me, because their purpose is for aesthetic appeal to impress outsiders. What is truely impressive, or shall I say, admirable (as the aim in life is not in impressing others, but being proud of yourself) are the attributes that count, and for me, they are not things that can be brought. Those things however, are things that can be owned. For example, they may be a sense of self- esteem, generosity, kindness, acceptance, self- actualisation, lack of prejudice, solid moral character etc etc... And these are some of the things I want my children to own for themselves. The hardest part for me as a parent, especially at the moment is teaching and guiding that these are traits that we want to be proud of owning.

My son has been behaving aggressively, saying things he knows are not appropriate, ignoring the expectations for his behaviour and overall, seems to have stopped caring about how his behaviour affects other people in our family. No matter what I do... I am continually repeating myself, pointing out what is unacceptable. And he knows this. He is a smart kid, he knows his responsibilities in relation to how he acts, how he treats others, but is consistently doing the very things that I oppose most vehemently. I have wondered if it is attention seeking? If it is an outlet for feelings he cannot express? (as the behaviour is the worst the day before and day after he stays at his dads house) Or, if it is inconsistency on my part in not following through with clear boundaries?

What makes this even worse is the fact that I have no support or disciplinary back up from his father who lives elsewhere, but see on a regular basis. I feel like anything that I enforce here in our home is inconsistent with the mode of parenting at their dads house. For the first time, I brought up the issue with their father yesterday and now I am beyond irrate. For example, when my son cries to me telling me things that happens at his dads house and I bring these up with their father, I get 'well ofcourse he is lying, he is trying to manipulate you'. Yet, when my son then plays their dad against me and says 'Mummy isn't nice to me, isn't proud of me etc etc' their dad automatically assumes everything that he is told is the truth. This is such a double standard that I can't even begin to explain the depths of how much it pisses me off. My son is smart, he can be manipulative and I have no idea when truth differs from a lie. His words can sting and any threat of a punishment is received with 'Well, I know you don't love me, I dont want to live here anymore, whats the point?'. Either he is mentioning the things that he knows scare me the most to avoid punishment, or he is telling the truth. What the hell am I supposed to do and which way do I swing when I am struggling to understand and decifer his internal dialogue and true feelings?

And nothing I read on how to help the situation seems to offer any insight. All these books talk about is the importance of understanding that anger and defiance are symptoms of a family problem, that they are a childs way of communicating etc without actually explaining WHAT TO DO. So, what do I do when, for the 100th time in one day my son calls his younger brother an idiot, or saying something like 'You are stupid because you can't even spell pop, I can spell <insert big scary impressive word here>'. Constant berating and putting down his sibling is pushing me over the edge and I just feel like saying 'I DON'T LIKE YOU and how you treat him!' I will point out that I always make the punishment about the behaviour, and not him, but he seems not to care at all either way anymore. He doesn't care about wanting to be pleasant because it makes you feel good inside, because according to him, he doesn't feel good inside when he does something nice. He doesn't feel or care at all.

Reading this probably doesn't sound too bad, and it may be pregnancy hormones on my end and I am just being overly emotional, but I want this to stop. I want my little boy back. I feel like he isn't the same kid anymore. I feel like I have lost him and someone else has taken his place and I just feel seething resentment and anger when one thing on top of, on top of, on top of, on top of another happens and he just refuses to listen. I feel like 'what the hell is the point of guidance and reward and promoting positive behaviours when it leads me nowhere anyway?!' I just want to crawl into my room, lock the door and not be around him. And then, my guilt over having these feelings makes me want to parent passively to avoid said feelings of guilt and to avoid any remark from him that he is unloved, unhappy etc.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.